What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 04:13
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im still living with it.
I was scared of men, in general
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why do men choose to marry a plain Jane woman over a pretty woman?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
How do you fight the push and pull (manipulation) tactic if you want to win him?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why do many Hong Kong Chinese look different from the Han Chinese in mainland China?
But it wasn’t much.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What's a memory from your childhood that shaped who you are today?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I said to her
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Is anal sex allowed in Islam? It's not written anywhere in the Quran whether it's forbidden or not.
It was going to be , some day.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why is the US going after Canada after all? What is the reason for all this hostility?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was in good health!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I have no regrets .
Who then, do I blame.?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I waited trembling.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot live in the past .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Comes on , in middle age.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ive learnt so much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
This is soul school!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So, i spoilt her more .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She loved him until the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We all went to grammer schools
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My life is so biszare .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Would this be the day?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was seconnd youngest,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We were not on the streets..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He knew the spot.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She married twice! .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My family never makes their pension either.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Put me off passion for life!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I think the readers, may guess!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So whats the point in blame.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I write beautiful poetry .
All the time i was locked up.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
When she asked me how she looked .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
What did i know ?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was very sick at this time too.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i lived it daily.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I don,t even have a pension.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
(And it was in our own minds.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was 9 years of age.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She found it foreign!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I will be 64.
He was dying to do it , i knew.